confused
11-11-2006, 10:43 PM
I have had a cloud of bad luck over my head for my entire life, but WAY more so in the past 4 years. An example of this is, in the past 4 years, 5 dogs and two cats have passed on. This luck of mine turned for the worst when I put my dog and cat down July 4, 2002. In the past year I have lost 4 dogs (two on my anniversary, one two weeks later and one of in January), finances have been bad and we got very screwed over by a local Ford Dealership and had to declare personal bankruptcy :( They didn't pay out one of our vehicles and added an additional $20,000 of debt to our list, which we could not pay.
I am in desperate need of help. I have recognized this cloud after I put down my dog and cat, but now I am scared. This isn't coincidence, this is some sort of horrible forces that refuse to leave, but at the same time, I need to make sure that when I do receive healing that the forces are gone and that they won't come back ten fold towards me or my family.
Let me give you a bit more info:
I have always, always been a scapegoat so to speak. I could NOT even be in the vicinty and STILL be blamed for something. Even a large majority of my family doesn't talk to me because they think I am a bad person and I don't have my priorities in place (I'll talk a bit more about this in a sec). I have too big of a heart, which allows people to take advantage, and 90% of the time, I do end up hurt. My mom tells me I have high expectations of people and I try to do everything I can for them. I also jump into things heart and soul without thinking first.
I've always been older then I really am. By the time I was 16, I was graduated highschool and was in college. At this time I also met my husband (who was already in college). We dated for 2 years, then we got married. A month later, I became pregnant for my daughter (who is now 4). After she was born, I took a year off and spent that time with her. After that year, when she was around 18 months old, I moved to British Columbia from Ontario Canada for 4 months for school. She remained in Ontario with my husband.
When I returned, I worked very hard, day and night trying to get my business up and running. Once that was done, I became overwhelmed with clients.
Ok, so, let me explain that part. I am a canine behavior therapist/trainer, I have 5 dogs now, I surround myself with them, I enjoy living in packs and I prefer to be around them more then people (learned behavior). My end goal (I hope) is to end up with my veterinary doctorate or psych degree which I can apply to the animals. I also have ADD, which IMO doesn't make me stupid, if anything it makes me smarter because I have to really dig into things in order to be able to understand them and I end up researching everything until I have exhausted it.
Ok, back to it...I am 24 years old. By 21 I owned my own business, my own house and a new car, and I was successful, but I burnt out fast from working too much.
This past August, I left my family again and I came to Alberta to try and start a new life, one where I didn't have to work so hard and could spend more time with my family and still get things paid off. They did follow a month later, but I came out first to get a place to live and to start our life ( I am the only one strong enough to do this). When I came out here, I slept in my car for about a week...I was going between lethbridge and Calgary before I ended up in Edmonton. I called my uncle who lives in Clarasholm if I could come visit (he wouldn't let me stay there because I had 2 of my dogs with me) and he gave me a hard time (because of my dogs) and asked me where my priorities were (because I was out here all alone, with no where to stay). Apparently afterward he felt bad, and apparently he had built a pen for my dogs assuming I was going to just show up there and say "ok, I'm staying now", but I didn't and I haven't talked to him since.
As I mentioned before, when I put down my dog 4 years ago I started to notice my change of "luck". I had vivid nightmares about her. I would dream that she came back to me and I would be so happy and I would approach her and she would turn into something evil and would try to maul me. I spent a year (this was after my daughter was born) full of panic attacks and insomnia. I was afraid to sleep.
June was a very bad month for me. We had to put down 2 dogs (one of old age and one because of neurological disorders. My weimaraner died of Lymphosarcoma 2 weeks later at 1.5 years of age. 2 days after he died, one of my dogs broke his leg. This same dog with the broken leg now has also had to go for unsuccessful gum surgery.
It really has been bad IMO. And many of my friends can see this cloud I speak of. I try very very hard to make things go smoothly. I have a lot of passion and it shows. I am also nicknamed "smiley". I never allow people to see me in a bad or upset mood. They usually say I am too chipper I'm also very personable, and people are attracted to me. I feel that I am a teacher and a healer to some degree. People are always coming to me for help either by advice or with their pets or to help with something else. I love doing it. I feel I go above and beyond in assisting others.
Unfortunately though, it is not just me that sees this heaviness. People who I have never even met can see or feel it too. Lately I can't focus on my research or on doing anything, I put EVERYTHING off and I can't get back into it, I can't even work w/my own dogs and I have no real desire to spend a lot of time w/my family. I am also 7 months pregnant, my husband lives/works out of town during the week, I live w/my 4 yr old and 3 of my dogs (my mom has one and my husband has one), I have issues w/my neighbours (and I've only been here a month...one stares in my patio door, one calls the city on me for every thing [I quite literally am not joking when I say you can't cough here] and I have ppl who try to walk in my front door...which I always now keep locked), I don't get along extremely well w/my family and I'm tired all the time.
I know I am not a bad person, and I try very hard to be happy and positive. I also try to be very optimistic. I just don't know why....or how to make it better.
Sorry, I have no idea where I was going with all of this...I don't even know if it flows or makes sense at all...but in anycase, now you have a better idea of me.
I did try counselling and the woman made me cry, she was quite abrupt and sharp for our first session and I haven't been back to her. She did give me a depression test and it said I was severely depressed, I also did Dr. Adams' test and scored a 21.
Where do I start? What should I do? Why is everything so messed up?
Thank you for your help.
Confused
I am in desperate need of help. I have recognized this cloud after I put down my dog and cat, but now I am scared. This isn't coincidence, this is some sort of horrible forces that refuse to leave, but at the same time, I need to make sure that when I do receive healing that the forces are gone and that they won't come back ten fold towards me or my family.
Let me give you a bit more info:
I have always, always been a scapegoat so to speak. I could NOT even be in the vicinty and STILL be blamed for something. Even a large majority of my family doesn't talk to me because they think I am a bad person and I don't have my priorities in place (I'll talk a bit more about this in a sec). I have too big of a heart, which allows people to take advantage, and 90% of the time, I do end up hurt. My mom tells me I have high expectations of people and I try to do everything I can for them. I also jump into things heart and soul without thinking first.
I've always been older then I really am. By the time I was 16, I was graduated highschool and was in college. At this time I also met my husband (who was already in college). We dated for 2 years, then we got married. A month later, I became pregnant for my daughter (who is now 4). After she was born, I took a year off and spent that time with her. After that year, when she was around 18 months old, I moved to British Columbia from Ontario Canada for 4 months for school. She remained in Ontario with my husband.
When I returned, I worked very hard, day and night trying to get my business up and running. Once that was done, I became overwhelmed with clients.
Ok, so, let me explain that part. I am a canine behavior therapist/trainer, I have 5 dogs now, I surround myself with them, I enjoy living in packs and I prefer to be around them more then people (learned behavior). My end goal (I hope) is to end up with my veterinary doctorate or psych degree which I can apply to the animals. I also have ADD, which IMO doesn't make me stupid, if anything it makes me smarter because I have to really dig into things in order to be able to understand them and I end up researching everything until I have exhausted it.
Ok, back to it...I am 24 years old. By 21 I owned my own business, my own house and a new car, and I was successful, but I burnt out fast from working too much.
This past August, I left my family again and I came to Alberta to try and start a new life, one where I didn't have to work so hard and could spend more time with my family and still get things paid off. They did follow a month later, but I came out first to get a place to live and to start our life ( I am the only one strong enough to do this). When I came out here, I slept in my car for about a week...I was going between lethbridge and Calgary before I ended up in Edmonton. I called my uncle who lives in Clarasholm if I could come visit (he wouldn't let me stay there because I had 2 of my dogs with me) and he gave me a hard time (because of my dogs) and asked me where my priorities were (because I was out here all alone, with no where to stay). Apparently afterward he felt bad, and apparently he had built a pen for my dogs assuming I was going to just show up there and say "ok, I'm staying now", but I didn't and I haven't talked to him since.
As I mentioned before, when I put down my dog 4 years ago I started to notice my change of "luck". I had vivid nightmares about her. I would dream that she came back to me and I would be so happy and I would approach her and she would turn into something evil and would try to maul me. I spent a year (this was after my daughter was born) full of panic attacks and insomnia. I was afraid to sleep.
June was a very bad month for me. We had to put down 2 dogs (one of old age and one because of neurological disorders. My weimaraner died of Lymphosarcoma 2 weeks later at 1.5 years of age. 2 days after he died, one of my dogs broke his leg. This same dog with the broken leg now has also had to go for unsuccessful gum surgery.
It really has been bad IMO. And many of my friends can see this cloud I speak of. I try very very hard to make things go smoothly. I have a lot of passion and it shows. I am also nicknamed "smiley". I never allow people to see me in a bad or upset mood. They usually say I am too chipper I'm also very personable, and people are attracted to me. I feel that I am a teacher and a healer to some degree. People are always coming to me for help either by advice or with their pets or to help with something else. I love doing it. I feel I go above and beyond in assisting others.
Unfortunately though, it is not just me that sees this heaviness. People who I have never even met can see or feel it too. Lately I can't focus on my research or on doing anything, I put EVERYTHING off and I can't get back into it, I can't even work w/my own dogs and I have no real desire to spend a lot of time w/my family. I am also 7 months pregnant, my husband lives/works out of town during the week, I live w/my 4 yr old and 3 of my dogs (my mom has one and my husband has one), I have issues w/my neighbours (and I've only been here a month...one stares in my patio door, one calls the city on me for every thing [I quite literally am not joking when I say you can't cough here] and I have ppl who try to walk in my front door...which I always now keep locked), I don't get along extremely well w/my family and I'm tired all the time.
I know I am not a bad person, and I try very hard to be happy and positive. I also try to be very optimistic. I just don't know why....or how to make it better.
Sorry, I have no idea where I was going with all of this...I don't even know if it flows or makes sense at all...but in anycase, now you have a better idea of me.
I did try counselling and the woman made me cry, she was quite abrupt and sharp for our first session and I haven't been back to her. She did give me a depression test and it said I was severely depressed, I also did Dr. Adams' test and scored a 21.
Where do I start? What should I do? Why is everything so messed up?
Thank you for your help.
Confused