Ugh. I know I'm BPD. I don't want to be. :(

[ICLori]

I've never been formally diagnosed as BPD, mostly because I'm higher functioning most of the time (there have been three "breakdowns" in my life, of the three, this is by far the worst/longest one) so I keep it "hidden" pretty well when someone only has brief contact with me (therapy.)

I even keep it hidden pretty well from family, friends, loved ones. They know I'm overly sensitive, overly emotional. They know I don't always think rationally, that I may get upset over something in a way that is out of proportion to the incident. But for the most part, except when I'm badly decompensated like now, I don't act in ways that produce much self-harm or harm to others, so I sort of pass as somewhat normal.

I know what I have to do. :( I don't want to do it, I think the therapy to help "fix" this is going to be excruciatingly painful emotionally for me and very long, but I also know deep down this personality disorder is causing a great deal of distress and unhappiness in my life. I know that if I endure more pain for awhile, it will mean less pain eventually and for the rest of my life.

I'm going to call up my therapist this morning and request a telephone consult at his convenience (no emergency.) When he calls me back, I will tell him what I think I am (I know, self-diagnosis is ridiculous - but honestly, I KNOW I am BPD.

Do your clients (question for Dr. Adams, please) ever kind of "know" they have a particular personality disorder or mental disease, and bring it up to you, and upon further investigation, they are correct in their self-insight? I mean, have you either seen or heard of cases like that where a patient was correct in their self-assessment?

Once I tell the big secret, the cat is out of the bag and if I can keep myself from running away from treatment, I will be on the path to getting better.

Thank you for letting me work things out via this board. I'm sorry I have been a big pain.

Lori

[Dr. Adams]

I do not see "clients," but I believe that attorneys do.

Yes, many patients know that they have a personality disorder which serves as the foundation for their thoughts, emotions and behavior. They learn to base decisions upon things other than their first impulse.

[ICLori]

I've decided never to go to therapy again. From my point of view, therapy has only harmed me, rather than helping me.

Although my doctor (urogyn) informs me I have a debilitating, chronic, incurable disease known to cause substantial pain, my therapist tells me there is no such disease (Interstitial Cystitis) and tells me I should use the power of my mind to heal myself instead of following the advice of my doctor.

I fail to see what help pain psychologists give their patients when they put the patients down for having a painful disease, when they treat them with contempt. All I got out of that therapy was "you are a bad person for having pain" and "it's all in your head, it's not real" and "it's your own fault you are in pain because you could just decide not to be in pain and then the pain would go away."

I have a really hard time understanding why that is supposed to be good for a pain patient. Feels much more like punishment to me.

Lori
P.S. I feel really empowered by rejecting the therapist's assumption that there is no such disease as Interstitial Cystitis and that if I feel chronic pain, I must necessarily be crazy, that there is no such thing as chronic pain. It feels good to protect myself against further abuse by the psychological/psychiatric community. I don't deserve to be abused. I am a person with a legitimate medical condition, one well known to cause debilitating pain, and I deserve treatment for that pain. I do NOT deserve to be told I am a bad person because I have this disease, and because I experience pain as a consequence of that disease.

[glonia]

Hi Lori,

Firstly let me say I'm so sorry you were invalidated by your psychiatrist, and that I'm very glad you are able to see that you are not the one with the problem. I do believe you will be able to find a psychologist who will be able to validate you and assist you in your healing.

The bad news is that they are few and far between. There are too many "specialists" who are not only unwilling but also frighteningly incompetent when it comes to the needs of human beings with personality disorders. They forget that we are people first and foremost, and let their prejudices lead the way to further damage us, simply because they believe that their qualifications give them the right to do so. Sadly no amount of education can help when it comes to the empathy impaired among us.

Keep looking, and for god's sakes report the incompetent who "treated" you!