Girlfriend's lost libido

[gator1215]

My gf and I have been dating for 3 years. Our relationship has always been very sexual and very emotional. We have had our good share of ups and dows. Plenty of those. But we work through them.

Sexually things have always been good. That had never been an issue until recently. In the last 6 months we have gone from being very sexual (toys, cameras, props, sexy clothes, etc) to her not wanting to have sex AT ALL.

I understand these things are multifactorial, and there is no ONE reason, but I need some help. We need some help. I feel that this alone can doom our relationship, if it doesn't change, and I also feel that it is a sign of deeper things.

The clinical problem (as opposed to emotional) started after she had a minor surgery on her vulva. The doctor said no sex for 6 weeks. This was very hard for me, and I thought for her, but apparently it was a god-send to her. Ever since then (about 6 months ago) our frequency and intensity of sex has decreased.

We are at the point where we only have sex once every 2-3 weeks. When we do, I feel it's a chore for her. She can orgasm, and seems to enjoy it, but she just doesn't put any effort into "wanting" me anymore.

I am 33. She is 34. We both are very atheltic, fit, healthy, and attractive. I would like, more than anything, for her to simply WANT to have sex with me. I'm not too concerned about numbers. I just WANT her to WANT me. Pardon the cliche. Ideally 2-3 times a week would be a good number for sex. But more importantly I want it to be spontaneous and genuine.

I know this is getting long, but one more thing to see if anybody can help...

Recently we went to a sex therapist. I set it up, to try to help us. My GF had to go first (the se therapist requested it) and I'm supposed to go this week on my own. I am looking fwd. to it, because I want answers and I want to make things better. That is NOT how my GF reacted to her appointment last Friday... It led to a 5 hour argument about everything under the sun. She didn't want to go, didn't think it was helpful, feels that we are wasting our time, etc. I just want to try to make this better and live happily ever after.

What are some positive/negative signs I should look for?
Is there anything else I need to know or should be doing?

Any advice/help would surely be appreciated.

Thank you.

[Dr. Adams]

You have approached it as best the situation permits. I am not certain that I would have initially consulted a sex therapist (not certain of the credentials involved) since the title alone may be foreboding. In either case, it is doubtful that the minor surgery was the cause of this, and it is quite likely especially since she now battles to maintain her distance from sexual contact that there are other factors involved.

Unfortunately, it is not unusual for sexual behavior to abruptly change when it was, for one of the parties, not coming from a fully functional place. For example, there are men who report that they have a very intense pre-marital sexual relationship only to find a complete absence of sexual interest from their mate after marriage.

Bottomline: The sexual part of this relationship appears extremely important to you. She either wishes to address what has occurred from the onset to where you are today...or she does not. If she does not, you may be forced to look at how viable that relationship will be for you in the future.

[gator1215]

I agree with your thoughts and thank you for the response. I understand, as I've stated, that sexual dysfuntions are multi-factorial and there are many different variables affecting our current sex life.

Your point, bluntly stated, that she either wants to address the issue or she does not, is exactly right, IMO. It is very hard to address some issues in relationships. But if you do NOT want to address it, it seems to me you do not consider it "important" and is a reflexion of the relationship itself.

If not a "sex therapist" where else would you recommend we go? We try talking about it, and taking steps to make it better, but it never seems to go anywhere except an argument. I figured having an independent third party to assess and suggest solutions was a good idea, but it was followed with 5 hours of intense anger by my GF.

Possibly upset at me forcing her to deal with an issue she would rather ignore??? Maybe...

[Dr. Adams]

There are questions you do not indicate that you have asked her:
a. Are you happier now that we have sex less often?
b. Would you prefer that sex not be a recurrent topic of discussion?
c. Do you have a concept as to the frequency with which you would prefer to have sex?
d. Do you think that you can ever trust me sufficiently to tell me what is really going on?

With regard to a clinician to see, that is a difficult question. They are licensing all manner of individuals, and, indeed, there are those without licenses who are under the radar as long as they do not use the term "psychologist" or "psychological." The latter two terms are legal, and cannot be used unless you are licensed to practice in this field.

One possibility is
Dr. David McIntyre
40 N. Central AVe., Ste. 606
Phoenix AZ 85004
480-495-5685

In his credentials, he lists dealing with victims of sexual abuse.

Good luck.

[gator1215]

Again, thanks for the feedback. Those are excellent questions you bring up.

I think I would have a problem with # 2. She would say "yes." I like to talk about our issues and she does not. As I mentioned, I am not delusional enough to believe that our sexual problems are only her fault or are only the result of that surgery. I know there are underlying factors which affect every behavior, including this.

I thought speaking with a therapist would be beneficial and she would see I am no expecting her to deal with all the by herself. Instead, as I said, it seemed to have "riled her up" and forced to the surface issues that she really does not want to talk about or think about. That is a big part of why I think she got so upset after seeing the therapist last Friday.

Maybe we need to be speaking more frequently to a regular therapist. We tried this a long time ago and had to stop because it would upset her so strongly. I found it beneficial to have a forum to express our feelings openly and securely. She did not. She feels that if we need therapy we should probably not be together.

I fear I am trying to repair something that is beyond repair by my efforts alone, but she does not have the energy or belief that it can be repaired so it's mostly on me...

[Dr. Adams]

You added more data: the fact that you saw a psychologist previously. You also added the perception/belief/reality that she would sooner not discuss problems.

The discrepancy does not appear what is happening now but perhaps what was happening before now.

Again, good luck; all problems can be solved...often we do not like the solution.

[gator1215]

I agree. There is a solution to everything. I am looking for a peaceful, positive one, though. Thanks for your advice and let me know if you have any other tips.