Male Psychological Problem

[debbiec49]

Hi,
My boyfriend has a problem. We have been dating about 3 months, and we have attempted to make love only 3 times, and everytime, he holds back and cannot get an erection. Tonight we tried for the 3rd time, and again it failed. I am what he calls brutally honest, and when we met, I said some things that really stuck with him, and now it is really bothering him. The things I said were really bad. I told him that I may have herpes, and possibly genital warts. This shocked him into never touching me. I went to the doctor and assured him nothing was wrong, but it looks like the damage is already done. I feel so bad because of this. Tonight we almost broke up over this. We love each other very much and we don't want to break up.

I told him that maybe it might be a good idea to go and see a sexual therapist about this situation. It took awhile, but I know he will go. I figure if you have a sore throat, you go to the doctor, and if we have a problem thinking, we go to a doctor too.

I just feel so hurt because I feel its all my fault. And it is. I am very upset about this. Are we doing the right thing to solve this situation?

Sincerely,

Debbiec49 :o

[Dr. Adams]

Failure situations create future failure. An erection is nothing more than blood flow, but blood flow is constricted when an individual is intimidated.

Assuming that his problem is not physiologic, then the problem has arisen as a result of problems in the initial relationship.

It is a good idea to see someone for diagnosis and treatment, but hopefully they will redirect you (both) to decide whether you are trying to fix a sexual problem or gloss over an even greater interpersonal one.

[debbiec49]

Dear Dr. Adams,

Thank you so much for your opinion. I just have one more question that I am sure you can help me with. In looking for help for this situation, what type of therapist would be best to resolve this problem? We both live in Chicago and suburbs, and I sure would appreciate a little guidance in the right direction. Or, if you know of a good therapist in Chicago, or northern suburbs, I would greatly appreciate your recommendation.

Ok, one more question, if you don't mind. Just to reassure me. Is this problem something that can be resolved? I think it can, because the relationship is still early. I also agree with you that we (both) need to get help. I don't want to continue going in the wrong direction, because that will only end up in disaster. Sorry, I am rambling on.

Thank you again, and I look forward to hearing your reply.

Sincerely,

Debbiec49

[Dr. Adams]

You can contact the Illinois Psychological Association for a referral (or the American Psychological Association).

Obviously, he feels (at a minimum) intimidated by what you have told him. The best person to tell you if this can be resolved is him.

You indicate that you want it resolved; it is less clear that he does.

The best of luck.

[debbiec49]

Dear Dr. Adams,

You have been very helpful in this situation. I really appreciate that.

Ok, you are right, I do want it resolved. And if I am understanding this correctly I need to let him do the foot work if he does want it resolved. We both have discussed this and I did offer to help him. Because we do not reside together, and his computer is really old, he asked me to go online and see what I could find out. He told me that his brother has a friend that may be able to help him, or refer him to someone who can. I am hoping that we are both working on this together. Maybe I should back off and just let him handle this, if he wants to. Am I in the right direction. In these situations, time will tell all.

Now would you call this an "us" problem or just his problem? I am sure there is another thing I did to intimidate him too, and that was that I came on a little too strong. Plus he is in a vulnerable situation. He isn't working at the moment and he does ask me for money only when he absolutely needs it. And that intimidates him too. I told him it was ok, since at the moment I am working, but I don't think he believes it. He is due to begin a project with his brother, who is a film director in the next few weeks, and I told him if he wanted to he could pay me back for some of the money. Maybe he will.

Thank you so much for listening, or reading in this case.

Sincerely,

Debbiec49

[Dr. Adams]

I must be missing something: He is emasculated by not working, emasculated by having to aperiodically ask for money, emasculated by being told that others have successfully had sex with you, and then emasculated because he cannot. Further, sex has been associated with potential disease which later proves not to be a concern but has already impacted how he sees...this situation.

So, if I understand this correctly, you are one half of an unmarried relationship in which the fear of disease has been sufficient for you to verbalize it to your intended sexual partner. I follow the latter part (the need to communicate). At every turn, there is nothing in this for him to feel intact...occupationally, financially, or sexually.

I am not certain that he needs to perform:
a. To prove himself to himself
b. To prove himself to you
c. To meet your needs

For him, this must be a difficult situation. I have no idea as to what age range we are discussing, but he appears to be in a situation in which he cannot currently derive a sense of independence or self-respect.

Then, again, I do not have all the data.

[debbiec49]

Dear Dr. Adams,

Thank you again for your input.

I am 51 years old and he is 40. I know this is quite an age difference for a man and a woman, but I personally don't feel like this is an issue, at least not for me.

I have spoken to Damon, and he says he is going to get online and write as a reply to my thread. So far, I have printed out all the information you have sent to me and let him read it. I know he doesn't have the confidence that I have in psychology. I was under psychological care for 4 years when I was much younger. I was 19 at the time. And over the years, my son also has been in treatment too. It seems he inherited some of my problems too.

Every day that Damon and I speak about this issue I learn something new about the way he feels about this. I also have some fear about what I may learn about him too. For example, if I learn that he loves me like a mother figure or something. That would be awful. He says no that that isn't the case. I hope not.

Anyway, I sure do appreciate all the help you have provided. And I will ask him to contact the Illinois Psychological Association for a referral.

Thank you again and will look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Debbiec49

[debbiec49]

Dear Dr. Adams:
I am Debbies boyfriend, Damon. I have been dating Debbie for about 3 months, and everytime we try to have sex, I have a problem. When we are alone together, in a sexual situation, I cannot get an erection. I am 40 years old and have never had this problem before. In fact, after the first erection failure with debbie, I went out and reinforced my man-hood by having sex with an old flame of mine, that night, no-problem. I have to admit, when she first told me she had herpes and genital warts, I was disgusted. However, she later found out she was wrong. I only mention this because we feel this may be at the root of our problem, but who knows. I really love her and want this relationship to work, but we cannot go on like this. If you can help in any way, I would be a happy camper( as they say). Thank you, Damon

[Dr. Adams]

You sum it up well when you indicate you were repulsed by the information that one or more sexually transmitted diseases `may await you.' What appears to have happened is that this initial concurrent desire and repulsion has led to a failure experience that now feeds upon itself. The two of you would be best served by finding someone in your community to see and help resolve this with you.

[debbiec49]

Dear Dr. Adams,

I don't hold anything against Damon for the way he feels. If I were a male, I would probably feel the same way. Plus with the other issues going on in his life doesn't help either, such as unemployment.

Also, although I am not happy about this I do understand why he ran out the first time and had sex, just to prove he could still do it, for himself. It is a scary situation for a man. I myself have had sexual problems in the past too. I was raped at the age of 16, and that is one of the reasons I ended up in a psychologists office at the age of 19, because I knew it was normal to enjoy sex and I needed to do that. Now, I do enjoy it immensely.

Do you feel this is an issue we can get over? I know it will take some time. I can wait. And I hope he can too. He got some psychologists names and so did I and we are going to call and find out what they charge for their services. We will also check on some free services too.

Dr. Adams, I will try to keep you informed of the progress, so maybe it will help with other people out there dealing with the same problem. I doubt we are alone.

Thank you so much,

Debbiec49

[LuisaAndrews]

Just, try oral sex, it works. It may be a psychological problem, but the same happens to my ex-bf and doing that solve the problem.

Good Luck