Raising a child of a sociopath: need help!!!

[rbm90036]

Hi,
I am have recently realized what I have been dealing with for the last two years, a sociopath. I knew something was wrong but it was very hard not being able to identify it. Since I have evaluted my soon to be ex-husband it has made it alot easier to break from him, along with counseling and prayer. Now, I am pregnant and should be delivering any day now. I am across the country from my ex. I would like help on what is the best way to raise a child in this situation. I want to protect my child from the possible hell that their father can cause but my child can also have issues from the lack of a father. He claims he wants to be there but I know from past experiences that it is all a game. I do not commincate with him. He also has a 13 year old daughter who I knew nothing about. He swore to God he had no children until we ran a credit check for an apartment and child support was on there. I have since met her and it is not as if she has no contact with him or his family and she looks just like him and also calls him daddy. I am concerned about continuing a relationship with his daughter, which I have especially since she will have a sibling soon. I don't want him using her to get info about me from her and I don't want to put her in jepoardy. I have learned alot about him through my experiences and from his daughters' mom and others. I don't put anything past him. I have also considered not going for child support or having him put on the birth certificate because of what he might do. It is not worth it. How can a raise a healthy child of a sociopath?

[Dr. Adams]

Most anti-social personalities lose interest in any anger driven task. Thus, as with his daughter, he may lose interest in the child you are bearing.

Anything he interprets as a challenge will be motivation to him.

The best approach is calm indifference: "sure...see ___ whenever you like."

He may lose interest quickly, but there are no guarantees.

Also you need to be certain of your diagnosis of him.

Finally, you may want to talk to a psychologist in your area.

[rbm90036]

Thanks so much for posting so quickly. I have closely evaluated all of my interaction with him from day one and observation from his interactions with others and himself. I have used the DSM description and have been advised that that is his condition from a counselor. But of course, I have not had a psychologist evaluate him because he does not think anything is wrong. We have been to marriage counseling with a former psychologist at church. But he would come and go while I stayed going on a regular basis to get help for myself. He went to try to pull me back in and once he had me in he would sabatoge everything. When he is trying to get back in he will do anything to convice a person he was wrong and sorry. He builds you up to break you down. The church marriage counselor would never confirm my beliefs nor disconfirm mainly because the goal of the church it to keep marriages sustained. He is also very convincing. I had to go to the extent of secretly tape-recording him. But I do think that she knows something is wrong from her non-verbal communication. You are right when you said that indifference is the best response. I do not react to his actions I just feel that he is sad and don't respond. I noticed in past experience he would love to see me upset and would fuel him and then he would calm down. As soon as he saw me upset he was calm but when I paid him no attention he would try his best to get me in the trap again but when I started ignoring it he would leave me alone. But during that idle time he would plot to see what he could do to mess with me. He will cause a big commotion for his entertainment and then leave the situation to come back to witness the outcome but he digs his ditch overall. The thrill of seeing others going crazy is worth his demise to him. He doesn't think he will be caught but is. It is like going to jail for murder is allright because he caused and witnessed others pain and had people trying to catch whoever did it. he doesn't see repercussions. Since I have realized what I am dealing with and have been behaving indifferent he lays low and then tries again after a while but I refuse to deal with it. I have found a sort of peace in the situation. Also, do you know of psychologist in the North Carolina area. I am in Atlanta twice a month for work, how would I go about making an appointment at your facilities?

[rbm90036]

Also, what about raising a well adjusted child in this situation?

[Dr. Adams]

Your best bet would be to contact the North Carolina Psychological Association (or the American Academy of Clinical Psychology) and ask them for a referral in your area. In that way, you can schedule your appointments within your work schedule (etc). Best wishes and good luck.

[rbm90036]

Will do, thank you.

[femfree]

Dear RBM. I can understand your terror at the idea of having a child from your relationship with this man.

You mention that you have evaluated him and by that I am wondering if you are qualified to do so, or if you have determined this through your own investigations. If so, well done. You are not alone in this situation. there is help from others who have travelled this rough terrain before you. I would like to give you some 'links' that I have collected. I am the manager of MSN groups on Narcissists and Psychopaths. OUr membership is large - over 5000 members and our experiences in this arena is considerable. You have some great things going for you. 1) you are level-headed and have cut your losses and gotten away from this man - well done RBM. You are in contact with his prevous daughter and her mother and they (hopefully) will help you in any legal contact to validate his apparent Psychopathology. I do fully agree with your decision not to enter his name on the birth certificate. Many a mother at our sites has said the same thing - they wish they had never done it. However, he is the bio father. Past performance is a good indicate of future results as they say, so maybe he'll stay our of your life. Let's not paint devils on the walls hust yet. Perhaps he will never try to contact you again. However, a little preparation just in case is what I hope to be able to provide you. I hope you will find the following helpful.

And, one suggestion (this from a psychiatrist originally) is if he claims you have fled keeping him from his child, we recommend the 'Hail Mary' - let the police and therapists know that you fled because he told you to do so. "You better get away from me because I don't know what I am going to do to you." So you, fearing him did as he said. Will it keep you out of hot water? Probably not entirely, but it will redirect it toward your need for safety and protection and show your reasonable fear of his violent abnormal behaviour.

I hope this helps. You are not alone. You were targeted and deceived. Learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally - and physically too. You are a strong, intelligent and resourceful person. I wish everyone were as sharp as you are.

Do take care
femfree
(financial & emotional freedom)
I hope you find the following helpful

Do not tell others that you have diagnosed a personality disorder in your spouse. You are not qualified to do so, and this escalates resistance to any cooperation whatsoever. You may discuss “possible patterns” with a therapist or evaluator. But let the evaluator make the diagnosis or explain the pattern to the court without giving it a name.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
Giving Your Children Voice, Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html

Some attorneys, GAL's and custody evaluators really are great, and we'd like to take a moment to express our genuine thanks to them. These pages are dedicated to them, the good attorneys, GAL's and custody evaluators of the world.
The Attorney’s page
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/attorneys.htm

Prepare for the lies. Have an answer. Be bold. You may have the truth on your side, but your spouse has no empathy and will destroy you with lies. Find a way to get the truth out that will show the lies up. There is always a lie you can build on. Take his lie and show how it leads to another and another.
DIVORCE - The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism - Ann Bradley, M.A.
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/divorcebook.html

At our MSN groups we have pages of links on divorce/custody/co-paraenting and the pitfalls. Please help youself - the ones by Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mnds of Angry and Controlling Men are particularly helpful.
http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH/linksl211.msnw