Stoic
07-10-2003, 06:26 AM
Good Morning,
Recently within the past year, I was diagnosed as a manic depressive by a psychotherapist. I have tried several medications and the current cocktail of Lithium, Neurontin, and Lamictal seems to be working but the side effects make my function limited. I am currently in my mid-20s and have exhibited depressive symptoms since I was 20 and perhaps even earlier than that. I have had to cease going to my therapist for the time being because my insurance was canceled due to an error by me when filling out the forms. Also, I suppose I can call myself a survivor of indirect abuse if you will. My mother was sexually abused as a child and had repressed those thoughts. Until an auto accident brought them all back when I was in my mid teens. For the next 4 yrs I had to deal with her many many suicide attempts and the need for baby-sitting if you will because my father was always submerging himself in work. The attempts became so frequent that I became desynsitized to them. An indifference emerged.
Since then I attented college for several years but failed to finish due to the depression that consumed me. I rarely left my apartment, maintained no friendships for none had ever really formed, and lied on many occassions to hide the fact that I had left school. I have no self confidence and I have not had a job since high school. I am in a situation where I receive funds from my parents because they are aware I suffer from severe depression but they believe me to be in school once again and just about to finish. I can't bare to have to confront them with the fact that I lied yet again to buy myself time to sort my life out which I have yet to do and which seems I am unable to do. The roller coaster ride of my manic highs and deep suicidal lows are in essence killing me slowly.
I currently rarely leave my apartment except for food or drink. I go out to bars and such on occassion but only by myself. I sit and watch people while the anger inside me fills so much so that I feel an immediate urge to leave and wallow in self pity in the saftey of my apt. I always feel a sense of paranoia as if someone is after me or will eventually get me. My sleep patterns are erratic and I have suffered from night terrors since I was a child. I have not dated in several years nor have I had a serious relationship in my entire life. I often engage in risky sexual behavior but only for the quick pleasure of using someone to get what I want to which I quickly remove myself from their company afterwards.
Also, I loathe the company of others for I find their conversation trite and boring and deflect questions about myself personally in order to hide what might be my cynical nature and then quickly lose interest in them. If I am placed in a situation where, in which I feel, there is no safety net for myself I quickly become withdrawn and immediately begin plotting how to escape. I feel unimportant but important all the same. I strive to build a company, cash in on hopefully large profits, and in a horrible twist of events work on manipulating other people to do my will. I have even thought about running for political office. I am talented at writing for when anger consumes me I find that it unlocks a door of versility within the English language. To which I write mostly of negative aspects of life and the short comings of others. I express little emotion for other's problems or concerns. For the most part expression of nastiness seems to work better for me, for it makes me feel much better about myself. And if for some reason someone wants to stop by the first question I ask is ...Why? Details are my game for that is what I always seek. Details Details and Details down to the very fabric someone might be wearing.
I hope this provides enough details for you to at least offer up some advice. I did some research on the latter part of my letter here and I came to the conclusion that I fit about 95% of what would be considered a Sociopath. Is this correct? If so as I read in one of your letters from August-October 1997 that there is no treatment but for others to stay away from people like me...true? Or in essence is my life over?
Thank you
John Doe
Recently within the past year, I was diagnosed as a manic depressive by a psychotherapist. I have tried several medications and the current cocktail of Lithium, Neurontin, and Lamictal seems to be working but the side effects make my function limited. I am currently in my mid-20s and have exhibited depressive symptoms since I was 20 and perhaps even earlier than that. I have had to cease going to my therapist for the time being because my insurance was canceled due to an error by me when filling out the forms. Also, I suppose I can call myself a survivor of indirect abuse if you will. My mother was sexually abused as a child and had repressed those thoughts. Until an auto accident brought them all back when I was in my mid teens. For the next 4 yrs I had to deal with her many many suicide attempts and the need for baby-sitting if you will because my father was always submerging himself in work. The attempts became so frequent that I became desynsitized to them. An indifference emerged.
Since then I attented college for several years but failed to finish due to the depression that consumed me. I rarely left my apartment, maintained no friendships for none had ever really formed, and lied on many occassions to hide the fact that I had left school. I have no self confidence and I have not had a job since high school. I am in a situation where I receive funds from my parents because they are aware I suffer from severe depression but they believe me to be in school once again and just about to finish. I can't bare to have to confront them with the fact that I lied yet again to buy myself time to sort my life out which I have yet to do and which seems I am unable to do. The roller coaster ride of my manic highs and deep suicidal lows are in essence killing me slowly.
I currently rarely leave my apartment except for food or drink. I go out to bars and such on occassion but only by myself. I sit and watch people while the anger inside me fills so much so that I feel an immediate urge to leave and wallow in self pity in the saftey of my apt. I always feel a sense of paranoia as if someone is after me or will eventually get me. My sleep patterns are erratic and I have suffered from night terrors since I was a child. I have not dated in several years nor have I had a serious relationship in my entire life. I often engage in risky sexual behavior but only for the quick pleasure of using someone to get what I want to which I quickly remove myself from their company afterwards.
Also, I loathe the company of others for I find their conversation trite and boring and deflect questions about myself personally in order to hide what might be my cynical nature and then quickly lose interest in them. If I am placed in a situation where, in which I feel, there is no safety net for myself I quickly become withdrawn and immediately begin plotting how to escape. I feel unimportant but important all the same. I strive to build a company, cash in on hopefully large profits, and in a horrible twist of events work on manipulating other people to do my will. I have even thought about running for political office. I am talented at writing for when anger consumes me I find that it unlocks a door of versility within the English language. To which I write mostly of negative aspects of life and the short comings of others. I express little emotion for other's problems or concerns. For the most part expression of nastiness seems to work better for me, for it makes me feel much better about myself. And if for some reason someone wants to stop by the first question I ask is ...Why? Details are my game for that is what I always seek. Details Details and Details down to the very fabric someone might be wearing.
I hope this provides enough details for you to at least offer up some advice. I did some research on the latter part of my letter here and I came to the conclusion that I fit about 95% of what would be considered a Sociopath. Is this correct? If so as I read in one of your letters from August-October 1997 that there is no treatment but for others to stay away from people like me...true? Or in essence is my life over?
Thank you
John Doe