Confused

[so_confused]

Hello,

I'm a 29 years old male, who just recently (2 months) started a new relationship with a girl (28 years old). We started off by falling in love head-over-heels...we laughed, we kissed, we connected and generally had a great time. That is until our first sexual encounters began. The first night together I simply wasn't able to get an erection, no matter what. There I had this beautiful girl with me and...nothing. Naturally I kinda freaked out, since this has happened to me in the past. Some of the nights after the first one were quite ok, but I've always been anxius about my erection since then (whether it will be enough to actually have an intercourse, whether this is normal etc. etc.).

After seeing a therapist during the last week, I'm now pretty sure, that this was an anxiety related to the fact, that I do not cope well while under time/performance pressure, as well as having quite low self-confidence and tendency to worry too much and getting stressed out very easily. Since me and my gf can see eachother mostly only during the weekends, somehow I got this idea stuck in my head that told me that it has to be perfect or... Now I know that it had been stupid and that all it takes is to take it slowly and not to rush anything...I'm fine with that and my gf is also really supportive since we've talked about it.

However, there is an issue that has developed somewhere in between and has been stuck with me for the past 2-3 weeks. Before I realized what was going on and that there was nothing to worry about, I though about a lot of stuff trying to find answers as to why am I "failing". And then one day, this thought pops in my head for a split second saying "What if you are gay?" and bam! Couldn't get rid of it ever since. (to be continued...)

[so_confused]

(continued...) [Could a moderator merge this post with my previous one as soon as they are approved? Don;t want to be a spammer here cheers]

Naturally, I reviewed my entire life as to find evidence that this is all just plain nonsense. Never ever had I found a guy attractive, I never had a crush on a guy, never even thought about this before and never been curious about it either. I had crushes only on girls, went out only with girls and only sexually fantasized about/been with girls as well. But here I am, with these disturbing images popping inside my head that I don't like a bit and my brain telling me that "Hey man, you're gay, you just don't want to accept that". The morning wake-ups being the worst by far.

Before this relationship, I had a 3 years no-sex period where I watched pornography quite a lot. Never gay porn though. I have to admit to the fact that I found transvestite porn quite arousing, but only if I convinced myself that the person in the movie used to be a female. I also like anal porn quite a bit.

I am very confused about this now. I don't want to try and watch gay pornography to find out whether I am gay or not, not to mention that I don't want to "experiment" with this either. It's getting pretty out of hand...

[Dr. Adams]

You indicated that you are seeing a "therapist". You indicated that he stated that your symptoms are anxiety-related. You acknowledge a moderate degree of sexual confusion and worry about the implications.

You appear to be attempting to understand and resolve multiple concerns concurrently, rather than:
a. Determining if you like and are attracted to this girl
b. Building a relationship in which you feel safety and comfort
c. Allowing the sexual content to naturally emerge from shared affection.

Regarding past (or present) sexual fantasies, you must be careful not to over-interpret your own thoughts/feelings.

I had a patient who could achieve orgasm with her husband only by imagining him to be another woman...yet, she was not seeking to be with another woman, merely creating a taboo fantasy to increase arousal.

[so_confused]

Well, to be more specific on the issue - I can get aroused by simply kissing. Oral sex is fine with me as well (even when I'm a bit stressed and anxious) , but as soon as we're about to have intercourse and/or are using a condom I seem to lose erection and it gets really tough to get one again. Usually I have to masturbate for a while to be able to continue...but by that time I'm already anxious (even though we started off really relaxed). It was these things that freaked me out in the first place.

[so_confused]

Also, achieving an orgasm is not an issue once I get an erection - no fantasy is needed to climax.

[Dr. Adams]

You appear to be describing a sexual anxiety that occurs with penetration, arguably a time when you concurrently become responsible for both yourself and the girl.

And, again, this is something to be worked out with your therapist since you are already in care.