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Thread: husband has premature ejaculation, along with porn and prostitute addiction

  1. #1
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    husband has premature ejaculation, along with porn and prostitute addiction

    Im desperate to find some solutions. My husband is 39 years old. We met 3 years ago, and I truly thought I met the man of my dreams, he is so thoughtful, kind and loving. Early in the relationship, he was so very attracted to me, as I was to him. It seemed like pure bliss. This is my second marriage, and we now have an 11 month old daughter, as well as my 2 much older (17 & 21 year old) children.
    During my pregnancy, I was a little suspicious of some things, and discovered a vast amount of evidence that he visits prostitutes. There were emails, telephone calls & texts, bank withdrawls, forum posts reviewing services he recieved. I confronted him, and he admitted "being curious" but swore innocence. He has now admitted to seeing 5 prostitutes, and Im aware that there are many more. He was also viewing porn online, of pretty young females, who are much more attractive than I am now after the birth of daughter #3. Ive stopped looking, and Im trying to be forgiving and understanding. We have had couple counselling and know that we want to be together, it was suggested that he get sexual addiction counselling, since hes had this "addiction" he says since age 14.
    Sexually, he cannot control his performance, and curses at his body when he reches orgasm. Sex typically lasts 30 seconds to 2 minutes, with little foreplay, other than what I administer to him. My needs are not considered or explored. When he has touched me, he has expectations that i "squirt" from gspot stimulation, which I find very uncomfortable. He was angry that I wouldnt allow this, and has since lost interest in "playing" because I wont do what "he likes".
    He isnt willing to go to the counselling, and I dont know what to do. My hope is that he can learn how to control his body, but Im not sure what to suggest. He feels since im a stay at home mom with unlimited time on my hands (haha I chase and entertain an 11 month old and keep our house, I dont have unlimited time at all) but he thinks I should google some methods to help him. I realize that although he swears he wont visit prostitues, and Im sure he means not to, that likely he will again in the future. Yet Im not prepared to "start over" again at 36, with a small child. Please advise.

  2. #2
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    I state this repeatedly on psychological.com forums "free advice over the internet has a value directly equal to what you pay." Thus, no one can advise, direct or resolve these problems (and there is more than one) via internet comments.

    That said, you are likely quite correct that he will (or has) returned to prostitutes and pornography to satisfy his sexual needs and requests from you the things he sees, reads about, etc in those settings. Also, since he has lived this attachment to these forms of sexual fulfillment for so many years, he has not developed an effective means of functioning in the world away from these fantasies.

    Yet he asks you to find a solution and declines to seek care.

    So here is the bottomline: Since he is not extending effort to change, can you continue to live with him as he is? This is a question you answer for yourself...not for me.

  3. #3
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    some advice?

    I realize that the addictions and programming he has wont change without counselling, but the premature ejaculation? is that what it is called? There must be something that he can do, practise... to achieve control over his bodily function? yes, sadly enough, I do think I can stay with him despite his issues, my own life has been much more difficult than it is right now, and this is only a part of our relationship. Im not prepared to leave, I equate it to having a car with problems, would I trade it in for possible new problems with a new car, or try to fix the issues with the current one. I would choose working on what I already have. My question is about the sexual aspect, and how he could achieve some control. He also has MS and I do wonder if that contributes tothe issue.

  4. #4
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    I have no evidence that he is seeking an improved and exclusive marital sexual existence. So the question becomes, if you can get him to perform within the marriage, can you also accept his going outside the marriage? Yes, premature ejaculation (PE) can be professionally treated (there are also books that describe techniques that can be used). However, and concurrently, it appears that his goal for sexuality has always been his own climax. Porn and prostitutes are not reciprocal sexual partners, they are providing closure on a journey not taken. And if a car is dysfunctional, is never well-functioning, very often it takes more from the owner to repair than to replace.

  5. #5
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    true.

    I realize what you say is true. However I have many of my own issues, such as borderline personality, ptsd and anxiety. I "need" to stay put, and try to remain stable, which I have been able to do with the help of counselling for quite some time. If I delve into these issues too much, I become fragile, and react in negative ways. I am attempting to accept things, live through uncomfortable feelings without reacting, deal with anxiety etc in acceptable ways that dont carry the consequences my past coping skills have had. I believe that we can learn to accept things as they are, and I have a desire to accept my husband, even with these issues. I think about women of the past who were able to stay in marriages less than perfect, and wish to be more like that. I believe he has a disorder, addiction or other, and that he is worth loving. He states that he wishes this marriage to continue, and I do believe that. This relationship is actually his first serious one, in his life, his experience with women is quite limited. I realize, as I write this, that this situation is likely destined to fail, but it is very important to me that it doesnt. Thank you for your input.

  6. #6
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    Hi
    Porn and prostitutes are not reciprocal sexual partners, they are providing closure on a journey not taken. And if a car is dysfunctional, is never well-functioning, very often it takes more from the owner to repair than to replace.

  7. #7
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    (your advertising link is not permitted and has been deleted)

    Your car analogy is a good one. She was, however, also describing her own desperate attempts to avoid abandonment.

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